reincarnation part 2

i would up back on the topic of life again today. i was sitting out in jefferson square park with my mp3 player out and my headphones in like i always do and had a lot more trouble chooseing songs i wanted to listen to than on a normal day when i somehow got stuck on the topic again while flipping through the list. i looked at the trees, the grass, the other rather annoying sokeing teens around me, and the sky and really started to wonder about things. i woundered how the trees first got their life, how i first got mine, if there was a way for new souls to be created along with the old or if every soul is as old as the earth and somehow they all eventually got their chance to shine within a body, that the guides where chosen because they had a past life already. if the trees were in a way a guide that wanted to show us a love of nature and for the existence of life. i kept searching for answers the entire day and am still afraid i dont know any of them.

then i also looked at myself again. wondered what my purpose was here, why i loved to stand up for things that so often got me picked on just because i held a position that was unpopular or that others didnt like. why i choose to not eat meat and enjoy the fruits of the ground instead, to love the foods that mother earth made for us herself. i stayed stricken with wonder even through my classes and was unsure why it was becomeing so well intwined with my thoughts this afternoon. i keep contemplateing it even now and keep wondering what it is im supposed to learn at this stage of my life, what im missing thats keeping me from an answer. sure, ive done many things in the past few months includeing the switch to paganism but i still feel like im a million miles away from the answer i seem to have been sent out to seek. i wonder what made me start searching for it so suddenly.

to add to this search i decided to look at my own sexuality aswell. i wondered if that was chosen just for this reincarnation or if this was something thats been with my spirit for a long time. if theres a reason for me to look for my mate as either a male or a female instead of what this society expects it to be. i look at what so many have said about it and the faces some have made upon hearing of my sexuality. there are many that are accepting out there and i have thusfar been blessed to meet many of the and even build a few friendships with many but i still wonder what it is thats making it the horrible thing that people like to make it out to be. i wonder what its really there for and what its purpose is in this incarnation and possibly others. it still makes me wonder what it is im aiming for that i havent learned yet, what it is that set this whole thing in to motion. i may spend a long time, if not all of my natural years in this incarnation, seeking it.

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