Archive for September, 2008

random museings of the day

Posted in Uncategorized on September 4, 2008 by gothiclg

we’ve been designing these lidded pots since school started on the 19th by drawing on these lame sheets. now that we’ve fineally moved on to clay im almost dome makeing mine. ive cut out the lid and the spider thats meant to be on it is already on. i’ll be able to add color tomorrow which will make my spider look more like a black widow than just a spider. i even had one of the advanced level potters say it was a cool idea. that was pretty cool considering he mostly seems to be into picking on me instead of being kinder to me. oh well, you cant always choose to not be picked on.


i spent some time today with what life after death will be like. i was always a christian before where your deeds and comitment to god determined where you would go. where everything was spelled out for you and defined, where it was easy to figure out exactly where you would be. where trees where just trees, where animals didnt have a soul, where humans fate was decided by one man instead of some other sort of being or multiple “gods” like my new chosen path has shown. i have my beleif that i’ll be a guide or be incarnated again and i beleive in more than one god. i see where i want to go in this life and sincerly hope that i will get there. i live being as kind to others as possible yet still wonder where this life will take me from here, how far i have to go. even how much longer i have to get there. sometimes its nice to think you have the answers you need from some sort of “bible” or “book” that tell you what to beleive. for me, that “knowledge”, turned to be a curse that i could no longer beleive, that added to the stress. i beleive that ive entered a much better place.

im a bit surprised at how well i used to know some of those words of wisdom. they where something i used to feel i needed to get through the day, the thing that would get me through all of the anti-gay comments if i only ignored the anti-gay comments that where contained within it. now, with the religion i now beleive in, things give me a lot more space. give me more to beleive in and help me feel the love that i seeked. im glad to have found what im looking for and to be so close to the gods i beleive in. i love to be able to take my path this way. looking at life now, i wouldnt have it any other way and i dont ever want it to be any other way again.


Posted in Uncategorized on September 3, 2008 by gothiclg

i got stuck on this topic today during lunch. i was calmly sitting in jefferson square park and all the sudden a thought hit me: why was i chosen for this incarnation? why was i not chosen to be a guide? i sate there the entire lunch period wondering about why i was here over a guide, when i died from this physical body would i be chosen to enter another one, how many past lives do i already have, when would i become a guide. before i knew it i had to put my thinking on pause and head to another string of boring classes that my mind had to put up front.

i picked up the topic again as i was walking out to my friends car for my ride home and it lasted until we started moving and i started paying more attention to the scenary that was passing by, trees, a few houses, grass, weeds, things like that. then, when we where back at my house, another idea stuck me, maybe i was this interested in nature in my last incarnation, maybe id missed all of this up to this point in my life because so much from christianity was clogging my veiws of this world and so much from before id explained off as it was all “gods” doing. now that theres so much more space to discover things that i hadnt before and think about things in more depth than i ever had before its so hard to focus on the narrow amount that i always had before. its like the whole world has opened up and there are so many other possibilities open to me that i would have never before imagined where even possible. now i feel like theres so much more that i should be paying attention to and im not sure if my bucket of a brain will be able to focus on any one given thing.

reincarnation part 2

Posted in Uncategorized on September 3, 2008 by gothiclg

i would up back on the topic of life again today. i was sitting out in jefferson square park with my mp3 player out and my headphones in like i always do and had a lot more trouble chooseing songs i wanted to listen to than on a normal day when i somehow got stuck on the topic again while flipping through the list. i looked at the trees, the grass, the other rather annoying sokeing teens around me, and the sky and really started to wonder about things. i woundered how the trees first got their life, how i first got mine, if there was a way for new souls to be created along with the old or if every soul is as old as the earth and somehow they all eventually got their chance to shine within a body, that the guides where chosen because they had a past life already. if the trees were in a way a guide that wanted to show us a love of nature and for the existence of life. i kept searching for answers the entire day and am still afraid i dont know any of them.

then i also looked at myself again. wondered what my purpose was here, why i loved to stand up for things that so often got me picked on just because i held a position that was unpopular or that others didnt like. why i choose to not eat meat and enjoy the fruits of the ground instead, to love the foods that mother earth made for us herself. i stayed stricken with wonder even through my classes and was unsure why it was becomeing so well intwined with my thoughts this afternoon. i keep contemplateing it even now and keep wondering what it is im supposed to learn at this stage of my life, what im missing thats keeping me from an answer. sure, ive done many things in the past few months includeing the switch to paganism but i still feel like im a million miles away from the answer i seem to have been sent out to seek. i wonder what made me start searching for it so suddenly.

to add to this search i decided to look at my own sexuality aswell. i wondered if that was chosen just for this reincarnation or if this was something thats been with my spirit for a long time. if theres a reason for me to look for my mate as either a male or a female instead of what this society expects it to be. i look at what so many have said about it and the faces some have made upon hearing of my sexuality. there are many that are accepting out there and i have thusfar been blessed to meet many of the and even build a few friendships with many but i still wonder what it is thats making it the horrible thing that people like to make it out to be. i wonder what its really there for and what its purpose is in this incarnation and possibly others. it still makes me wonder what it is im aiming for that i havent learned yet, what it is that set this whole thing in to motion. i may spend a long time, if not all of my natural years in this incarnation, seeking it.